Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
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“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?