*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
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Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”