My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
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“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Hot Panini is in big trouble
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you