“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
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I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Pretty much! 😂👀
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?