if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
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CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Labreador
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.