Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
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*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN