At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
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“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
The prophecy is fulfilled
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*