How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
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PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
$4 #usedbooks
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”