is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
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A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience