Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
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[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.