Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
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No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…