My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
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[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
don’t we all