There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
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My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
I’m Sold!
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.