My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
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Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Squirrels before girls.
I didn’t realize that was an option
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”