[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
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[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Stop being racist to kettles.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.