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Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
I need a headline like this
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs