I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
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I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you