HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
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no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog