Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
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coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
This week’s mood.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food