Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
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Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend