It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
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Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Finally, an explanation.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
the only organized thing in my life is crime
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.