ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
You Might Also Like
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.