me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
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Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences