*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
You Might Also Like
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️