Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
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She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.