[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
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[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋