Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
You Might Also Like
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.