Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
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My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
This sounds bad:
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
How actors in movies eat their food
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.