If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
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I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
You better watch out
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes