I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
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NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
PLOT TWIST:
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Based Erika
My favorite type of men is ramen.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.