I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
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One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.