I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
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Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly