*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
You Might Also Like
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.