Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
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Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.