*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
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Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.