Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
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You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.