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United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Time for evil
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever