doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
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( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am