What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
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If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
i did the math
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
This is why I hate group projects
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.