When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
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My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.