My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
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I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Cause of death: Zumba
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
12. I think about this all the damn time
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?