[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
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Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
That took me a moment.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar