Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
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Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
do u think theres a butter planet?
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?