An owl showing some catlike behavior.
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Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
I unironically love this joke.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm