Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
You Might Also Like
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]