Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
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Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
I missed you with all my darts
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?