Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
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Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.