Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
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Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit