Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
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me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.