“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
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I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
#parenting
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.